I’ve learned that we are all dealt the labor and birthing experience we are destined to have – no right, no wrong, no moral code. Just the one that is meant to be ours. And it’s a choice to be with it – whether it was what we imagined it to be or not – or to be against it.
The labor and birthing experience I was destined to have shattered my ego and ideals about doing more to deserve more or being a “good enough girl” to go through a precisely planned experience. That’s not birth!
Through my 40-hour labor, I was invited to let go of all preparations and plans for the birth I designed in my head. Because birth exists in the body, and it exists in the moment. Not in the acupuncture appointments, or in the chiropractic adjustments, or in the nightly hypnotherapy, or the daily meditations leading up to the big day. It’s nature in its most raw form, and it’s an invitation into your own most raw form.
My labor and birth experience invited me into the depths of my ego, my patterns, the ways I long to escape discomfort, the ways I am able to persevere. I confronted pieces of me that I had shamed away – the pieces that wanted to quit, be bailed out, and take the easier way. What kept me at home, kept me going for 40+ hours, kept me able to stay committed to the evolving vision for my destined birth; was unwavering, loving, compassionate, and full-spectrum support.
Support internally from my baby and God, in partnership with my husband, in the care of my midwives, and with the irreplaceable, loving presence of our selfless Doula Candice. It’s hard to take the credit for this experience when I know in my bones that the conduit for it being able to happen was 100% the incredible support and care I was given.
There were so many reasons I could have thrown in the towel, given up, actually gone to the hospital to be as close to sedated as possible. There were so many opportunities to call it quits and give up on my home birth. Beyond my pride, beyond any white-knuckle grip on my vision for this experience, beyond what I wanted for myself – I knew that my baby deserved this. That my body deserved to open at its own pace, regardless how uncomfortable it made me in the micro-moments. In those harder-than-imaginable moments, Candice was there providing both my body and my Spirit the support and encouragement that only she could give to me when it got blurry. She held space that kept me in safety the entire time to maintain the tenacity to continue forward, to remember my strength, to focus on what I came here to do.
At the end of the long road of labor, a beautiful baby girl was born safely in the water in our lhome. Out of my exhausted body and directly into my longing arms. With the witness and exclaims of all the loving people who watched us journey through the ultimate threshold of life. Who held both of us as we toggled between worlds for 2 days. And as the hard part came to an end, I was walked gently to my own shower, dried off, tucked into my own bed with my new baby, eating my own food, as our birth angel Candice scurried around our home with smiles cleaning and taking care of both us and our baby as if she hadn’t been up with me for the same 2.5 days straight. The selflessness that surrounded us and the reverence that was shown for the birth process astounded me and expanded my heart in ways I never knew possible.
Candice’s toolkit is expansive and intuitive. She’s a tenured professional when it comes to practical birthing support like positioning, counter-pressure (that I’m convinced saved my life in those 40+ hours), hypnosis techniques, and birth education. But what can’t be measured on a resume or even on a review like this is her intuitive, deep, and sincere care for her mamas. She holds your hand at the perfect moment. She pays attention to the details often overlooked. She’s responsive and attentive, but blends in. I’ll never forget towards the end of my labor, I had gone a couple days without really eating anything and I am sure exhaustion was a major concern at this point. I was in the birthing tub, gearing up to enter Transition and Candice was rotating cool towels on my neck and feeding my halved frozen grapes to keep me going. At every “I can’t do this”, Candice met me with loving eyes and a huge heart that held mine when it felt like falling apart. “You ARE doing this,” she said. She held the vision for my birth when I didn’t feel strong enough to. Throughout our months of getting to know each other before this day, we built a solid foundation of trust and connection that allowed me to soften into being taken care of by someone who knows what they’re doing. And that’s Candice.
Because of her care, I will forever look back at my unique labor and birthing experience with complete love, joy, and pleasure although in many moments I never thought I’d be able to. I’m forever indebted to Candice for the space she held for me and my family. She will forever be family in my heart, and our daughter will grow up hearing about how many loving people were around her as she entered this world.
